Perfection
by Griselda Banks
Summary: Oneshot. "Because she loved Nina, but not her new child." Winry, a necklace, and a depressed young mother.


**Author's Note: This little thing started with a picture a friend of mine drew, which I've used as the cover art: holycowworshipper dot deviantart dot com / art / Stubborness-or-Determination-174563455 While discussing the significance of Winry's necklace, I got clobbered over the head with the Plot Bunnies of Awesome Romance, and felt compelled to write this fic. Enjoy!**

_For HolyCowWorshipper - _

_my faithful reviewer and fellow crazy Arakawa adorer_**  
**

Winry knew before she even went to the doctor that she was pregnant. As she bent over the toilet, trying to master her nausea while Nina howled miserably in her crib, there was only one thought in her mind.

_It's a mistake._

They hadn't been trying for another; they were just young parents trying to deal with _one _helpless baby, not to mention stumbling through marriage after growing up with hardly any role models. They didn't need another child added to the mix. But there was nothing she could do. The life had already begun inside her, and she knew now what that meant. She knew it would grow and grow, till it finally burst forth with blood and pain, and then there would be another baby crying to be fed, to be held, to be cared for and loved.

Helplessly wiping away a few tears, Winry stood up again and flushed the toilet. When she stepped into the bedroom, Nina stopped bawling and waited, watching her pathetically, begging with her glistening gold eyes to be picked up. So Winry heaved her up into her arms and rubbed the baby's back, heading back downstairs. But as she whispered soothing words into her daughter's ear and stroked her downy head, Winry felt terrible.

Because she loved Nina, but not her new child.

It only made matters worse when Ed called that night, as he always did. "Okay, Winry," he said after a few minutes of conversation. "What's wrong?"

Winry sighed and leaned against the wall, resting a hand on her abdomen. You couldn't pull anything past Edward Elric, that was for sure. "Ed...I'm pregnant again."

There was a stunned silence at first, then: "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "Positive."

"That's great!" She could hear the huge grin in his voice. "Winry, this is so amaz-"

She hung up the phone, and when he tried to call back she pulled the plug from the wall. That night, she lay in the big bed, crying into her pillow so as not to wake up Nina in the corner.

Life took on its usual pace after that, and Winry relished in the everyday rhythms and the new things Nina learned to do. She didn't hear from Ed again for a few weeks; his secretary told her that he was leading a delegation to Drachma, and phone lines over the Briggs mountains weren't very stable. But she was used to long silences, so she got by as she always did.

And she didn't have many close friends who lived nearby, so she could fool herself into thinking she wasn't depressed.

Ed surprised her by showing up on the doorstep one afternoon. He usually called ahead of time now, but this time she opened the door and there he was, grinning down at her and the baby in her arms. "Hey, Win!" was all he bothered to say before pulling them both close and kissing them repeatedly.

"What about Al?" she asked as Ed took Nina from her and commenced tossing her up in the air to make her laugh.

"Nope, just me this time!" he replied cheerfully, tossing her up so high she almost touched the ceiling. "He's gonna take over my active duty this year, and I'll work from home."

"Careful!" Winry cried, and Ed obediently held Nina close. "You mean you're not going back to Central in a week?"

He looked up from his giggling daughter and smiled. "That's right. After you told me about our second one-" He glanced down, though it wasn't visible yet. "-I got to thinking, and I realized I need to be a better father. Not like mine was. I need to be here, and help out with things, or then I'll miss out and won't even know my kids."

He said it so easily, like he didn't even have to think about it, like the love shining from his eyes and onto his daughter came without effort. Winry felt her heart sinking down, but she made an effort and smiled despite it. "You're a wonderful father," she said softly, then made her retreat to the kitchen where the bread was baking. Ed, who was pretending to eat Nina's fingers, didn't seem to notice.

A few tears salted the dough she was kneading, because his marvelous example only made her feel worse.

Ed seemed to buy her story about being tired, at least while they ate supper, caught up on the latest news from Central, and put Nina to bed (back in her own room, now that Ed was home). But while Winry was changing into her loose green nightgown, he came in smelling of toothpaste and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "What is it really?" he murmured, his voice vibrating against her shoulder. "Tell me."

And his affection was too much. That he cared enough to come, to help out, to give her time and space until there were no more distractions. A sob broke out of her throat, and she sagged against his arms as he gently led her to the bed. He said nothing, though she knew he must be confused; he just sat on the edge of the bed, holding her and running his left hand through her hair.

When she finally pulled back, miserably wiping her eyes, Ed was watching her with great concern. "I'm sorry I left you alone all this time," he whispered.

Winry shook her head before he could think this was about him being gone, and blurted out, "I'm a horrible mother!"

"What? What makes you say that?"

And so she told him everything, all the thoughts she'd entertained that she knew she shouldn't, and the shame that had been crippling her for so long, that told her she had no right to raise a child. Ed said nothing while she spoke, only stared at his shoes. When she was done, he got up and crossed to his suitcase, which he was in the process of unpacking. After rummaging around in it for a while, he came up with something clenched in his hand.

"Stand up and turn around," he said, and when she did, surprised, he came up behind her and fastened something cold and metallic around her neck.

Winry went to the mirror on the back of the door and looked at her reflection. A thin metal disc the size of a 500-cenz coin hung around her neck on a slender golden chain. Most of the disc was made of gold, but a moon-shaped wedge on one side looked like silver.

Ed appeared over her shoulder, smiling gently. "I was saving this for our anniversary, but I guess it doesn't matter if you get it a bit early."

"It's beautiful," she assured him, touching the smooth metal. It was slightly oblong and uneven, she now saw, which suggested he had made it himself. "But what is it?"

He was fingering her hair now, brushing it back from her neck. "In alchemy, the sun represents man and the moon represents woman. The two of them combined create...perfection."

Their eyes locked in the mirror, and Winry saw the same look of intense joy that had blazed on his face during their wedding. "I'm not," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears again. "Haven't I just told you?"

Ed reached around her and pressed his warm left hand against the place where their child had begun to live. "Do you love Nina?" he whispered.

"Yes, of course." She whispered too, as though they were talking about some deadly secret.

"If she died, how would you feel?"

Winry stared, stricken, at his closed expression reflected in the mirror. Even the thought of it was like a knife between her ribs. "I would die," she murmured, a tear rolling down her cheek

"And this child, what if it died?"

She put both hands over his, thinking of miscarriage, of blood and an aching emptiness within her. The tears came thick and fast, and her fingers curled around his. For a moment or two, they stood there, gripping each other tightly.

With effort, Winry stemmed the flow of her tears and turned around to face her husband. Brushing her tears away again, she looked up at him with determination. "I'm going to do my best for them both. That's all I _can_ do, and I love them enough to try."

He smiled and tapped the necklace around her neck. It made a dull _clink_ against his nail. "And that's all you need to be the perfect mother."


End file.
